More Menschitude

Since today marks the inauguration of someone I would definitely describe as possessing menschy characteristics (at least based on his kick-ass speeches) into the second highest office in the land (the first highest being that which bestows unconditional love on all, never filled by a person, per se, but always filled by the menschy choices every person is capable of making), it seems a good opportunity trot out a personal interest I believe has larger-than-me implications. Namely, Menschitude.

According to Wiki, and Leo Rosten, the author of The Joys of Yiddish, a mensch is “someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character. The key to being ‘a real mensch’ is nothing less than character, rectitude, dignity, a sense of what is right, responsible, decorous.’"

Personally, I think it’s more productive to speak of menschitude vs. a mensch, since the former describes a behaviour, something we can all aspire to achieve, while the latter describes a character trait as if it were congenital. Once a sister, always a sister, but a true mensch is the stuff of myth, like Santa. To my knowledge, no one has been born as, or lived life as, an unwavering mensch. But one can choose to act menschitudinally at will. Menschitude is available at anytime to anyone.

Recently, a friend of mine – not me, of course – had some dating experiences that left her (and me) wondering if menschitudinality is heading the way of the dodo. Characteristic of her dates were their self descriptions as being persons of strong moral compasses, or having done years of personal work, both things easy to say, but when situations came up that required courage, honesty and menschitude, these self-described do-gooders scored low on the mensch-o-meter.


Always the optimist, I believe, as Obama believes, that we will be remembered for what we build, not what we destroy. Worth remembering. Although a bad exchange between people can crush a spirit so excruciatingly that the urge to destroy surges to the surface faster than a smart missile, I still believe the only antidote to pain is love. Love never destroys. It builds. And it is an elegant self-sustaining system that continues to build upon itself. The more you love, the more you love.

So, in the spirit of building, I would like to contribute a cherished idea I’ve been chewing on for the last few weeks towards helping increase opportunities for folks to act with menschitude (it's a learned behaviour after all).

Allow me to humbly put forth what I think to be one of the most vital building blocks for menschness that we all have at our disposal.

Ask a question


Hell, ask two questions. It won’t kill you. If I hear the excuse, “I don’t like to pry,” one more time for why you don’t ask questions, I will personally speak to your maker and demand a total recall. You like being asked questions, don’t you? Of course you do! I know because you answer them as if you were a famous novelist at a public reading, soaking up the adoration of your fans.

While I’m sure you have lots of interesting things to say, every good novelist knows that really good writing -- which demonstrates a true understanding of, as well as sensitivity and compassion to, the lives of others -- requires keen real-life observation, and observation means you speak less and listen more.


Cultivating some heart and soul while you’re at it wouldn’t hurt. If it means you need to treat the person across the table from you like a character study, so be it. Whatever it takes. And, yes, while you’re absolutely right that solipsists do get laid, I would argue that the quality of their encounters declines in direct proportion to their self-absorption. Sex is an exchange, like conversation. If you can master the give and take of either concept, I swear your relationships will improve, both the public and private.


Otherwise, go find a dark corner and take care of yourself. Oh yeah, here’s a little bonus factoid you might not have considered: when you show interest in someone else, you usually learn a thing or two. Maybe even a thing or two about your favourite topic: yourself. I'm telling you, this simple trick of asking questions holds untold benefits for you. But you have to begin with them first.



Recently, my friend (not me) dated a guy whose only question to her after three dates -- posed while surrounded by her paintings (about which he asked nothing) -- was “how long are you renting this apartment for?” Now this friend of mine does not pretend to be the most fascinating creature anyone's ever come across, but I do think her date lost an opportunity to step outside himself for a nanosecond and see that someone was potentially interested in him.



"Was" being the operative tense.



Also, for god's sake, if you really have only one question in you, try at least to make it meaningful. A question about a person's apartment should come after a question about the other person's views/dreams/passions/even hatreds.

OK, I lied. I have one more tip.

Speak up!

You and I both know you don’t mean to cause harm. But when you slip out the back door instead of bravely speaking your truth, you cause untold harm. What happens is the person you were just talking with (or at) is left wondering what he or she did wrong to make you run in the opposite direction without explanation. If the person you were talking to made you want to run for good reason, at least have the courtesy and decency to tell him or her that before you take off. Yes, it's scary to step up like that. It requires courage to be honest and up front, but that’s what menschitude is all about. It’s never about doing the easy thing. It’s about doing what would help another person not feel bad. It's about seeing what's required and making it happen. It is above duty. It is a gift. It is an act of generosity and love. And it will make you feel good. Like you have integrity. I think integrity might even feel better than sex.

Also, return e-mails and phone calls, even if only to say you won't be returning them anymore. It's just the kind thing to do.

My father’s second wife once said two smart things to me. #1: if you are low on cash but need to buy a gift, buy a $20 lipstick over a $20 dress. Self explanatory. #2: a real gift is something that causes the giver a little pain. Example: my friend Jacline gifted me a pair of her favourite earrings because I expressed a delight in them one day. That’s a gift.

What does this have to do with Obama's menschitude and the world beyond me? Good habits start at home. I.e. the personal is political. I'm just saying, don't compartmentalize. Don't do good outside but treat the people around you badly. Be nice and do good whenever you can. Nice is sexy.

I wrote this post to mitigate a deep sense of disappointment I felt this week. One thing I know for sure, we all want the same thing: to love and be loved. We just don’t always know how to behave. Me included. So, I’m going to work on my own menschitudinality starting right now. I'd love to know more about you . . . can I buy you coffee?


For more ideas on how to be a mensch, especially on an airplane, check out Guy. That's his name!